“The best thing in a person’s life is their balls.”
Abraham “Ballsmasher” Lincoln
It’s time to play with your balls! Antonball Deluxe is the definitive edition of one of the most critically acclaimed Summitsphere classics, Antonball! Updated graphics, loads of characters, unstoppable action, three completely new games, Antonball Deluxe is the most Deluxe Edition a game has ever seen; and you can get it all for just $7.49 (at a discount!)!
But if you live under a rock and don’t know what Antonball is, we’ll explain. Just like the Not-As-Classic-As-Anton classic “Arkanoid” (and “Breakout” as well), you gotta shoot your balls on bricks to break every single one of them. When the ball hits, the ball bounces, and then comes back for you to hit it as hard as you can all over again. In Arkanoid a lame-ass rectangle blocked the balls from coming in the hole in their back, but in Antonball, you’re the one hitting the balls! Well, actually, it’s ANTON! ANNIE! DANTON! NINA! And other weird characters like ANTON’S DOG! AN ANT ON A BALL! PEPPINO FROM THE HIT GAME “PIZZA TOWER” COMING OUT ON JANUARY! A HAND! PAUL! AND THE COOLEST OF ALL, “NOTHING”, THE CHARACTER THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND YOU STILL GOTTA PAY FOR IT! HELL YEAH I LOVE ANTONBALL DELUXE!
Now let’s do this again but a little less insane, I love Summitsphere, and maybe Anton doesn’t have many games but it’s already one of my favorite Indie franchises… maybe my favorite overall! Antonball Deluxe is a little arcadey game that has some campaigns that are completely different from each other in it. In Antonball, you hit the balls to break bricks while stages get more and more insane. As a platforming hybrid, you jump over obstacles and dodge traps while trying to keep Anton’s ball on the screen so it never gets into the hole. In case it does penetrate your hole, you lose a life, and when you lose them all, only a Continue can get you back ballin’. You can play with one, two, three or more people, the whole family can… ok, I’m not finishing this joke, but it is a very fun game to play with your friends. And the ball jokes are subtle enough that none of your family members will get them so invite them over to play!
Punchball is the second campaign, focused on Annie even though it keeps the same character select screen from Antonball. Here, you get the ball and throw it on enemies to make them trip over themselves, and then you can get to them and kick their asses into The Elders Scrolls IV — Oblivion. It’s quite literally Mario Bros. but you throw balls on bitches instead of bonking your head on the ground below them. And at last, vs. Antonball allows the balls to hit each other in a team competitive mode, each team trying to take down their opponent’s bricks. It includes a lot of stages that are very distinct from each other, neat items and a very fun time looking at the perpetual chaos of Antonball while you try beating some actual human beings instead of… uhh… bricks.
The game’s movement has been worse but now it couldn’t be better. Anton can jump twice, high jump and also Shoulder Bash, an action the game calls “Clutch”, officially. If the ball hits a special brick or a pistol falls on your head, you get a gun to shoot stuff!! Now you can blast these bricks with a bullet on their faces! Anton and Annie also look very fucking hot when they get their hands on a gun so it’s worth it.
Different bricks can also triple your balls? WTF? Yeah, triple the balls, triple the fun. And you can keep multiplying your balls if you hit more and more bricks with balls inside! And since the last update there is no limit to how many balls you can handle at once, ’cause the more the merrier!
Music and overall aesthethics of Antonball are inspired by arcade games and the Game Boy Advance. Maybe you need two or three glances (if you’re kinda dumb) to realize Antonball is inspired by WARIO LAND! But It’s also inspired by Crash Bandicoot and other crazy bangers from the 90’s and 2000’s, because Tony Grayson is the hottest man of all. And with the money you get while ballin’ in-game, you can play on these bootleg Pokémon machines and earn you some characters and new songs to vibe to on the Rec Room. And each one of them is a bunch of weird fucked-up sounds to make you laugh at the idea of spending money to get songs you could’ve created yourself in two minutes on Audacity! (/j)
And if the looks weren’t enough, Antonball’s marvelous universe is cool simply for it’s insanity and creativity in character design. Specially Annie Bell, one of the best and most unique women of all; showering once a week, and being a girlboss and shit. Annie is completely crazy and would blast everything for pleasure, and I’d certainly give her my body so she can break all my bones for fun, and I’d be happy in a romantic way and not sexually. Play Antonball Deluxe! Buy Antonblast! And donate your organs to Old Manton, the guy needs it a lot! Cheers and kisses!